Self-Care and Special Needs
It’s been a while (too long, really) since I sat down and wrote my thoughts out. It suddenly feels so very vulnerable; especially when writing about something that I have such a love/hate relationship with. Self-care has been something kind of heavy on my heart and my thoughts lately and it sounds so cliche - “self-care”. Makes me think of something they would do an entire SATC episode on with the friends going to some posh, high end spa and spending an entire month’s salary on some gorgeous designer clothes - if only, am I right?
What even is self-care? What does it look like? How do you do it? Different people may tell you that self-care is an entire day to yourself and should include xyz thing and not include xyz other things. The act of self-care is supposed to relax you, but the act of scheduling self-care feels so stressful. Planning what it is you’re going to do, making appointments if necessary, perhaps you have to find childcare (don’t even get me STARTED on how stressful that is). If you’re like me, then by the time you get to the day (read - *couple of hours*) you set aside for yourself, you don’t even want to go.
But really, you need it. Whether you’re the parent of a kiddo with special needs, or the parent of a neurotypical kid, you need that time to recharge; but here I’m especially talking to my fellow neurodivergent parents. Doctor’s appointments, specialist appointments, physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, feeding therapy, IFSP meetings, IEP meetings, medical bills, insurance, school decisions, medications, feeding schedules, general worry about your kid, the constant comparison game creeping up on you, all on top of life in general. It’s exhausting isn’t it? We love our kids so much, we wouldn’t change them or trade them or do anything differently. Parenting in general is hard, and I’m not saying that special needs parenting is harder but the reality is that it’s different. There are extra things to think about both in the here and now for our kiddos, but also for the future. Thinking about your child with special needs takes up just a little extra space in your already crowded mind, a different set of worries and questions about regular kid stuff that other parents generally don’t have to worry about.
So that brings me back to self-care. In case you need to see this, my friend - you have permission to prioritize yourself for a change. You have permission to prioritize your physical health, your mental health, your relationship with your spouse. Sometimes we get so busy putting our kids first and throwing everything we have into our families that we forget about ourselves; we get lost in parenthood. When was the last time you were able to sit quietly with a cup of tea or coffee and finish it without it getting cold first? When was the last time you laughed so hard that you cried, or did something that makes you truly happy, just for the sake of it?
I know this is all easier said than done. Childcare is a major roadblock for so many of us that don’t live near family or have anyone we trust to watch our kids, and even if we do have family or friends nearby we sometimes feel guilty asking for their help just so we can have an hour or two to ourselves. But I want to encourage you - if you do have family or friends nearby that you trust - it’s okay to ask them for help, odds are they would be happy to give you a little time to yourself while they get to play with and snuggle your sweet babies. We recently moved away from all of our close friends and family, and if you’re in that position too then know that I understand how challenging it is to find childcare, to start over in general and build a new network of people you trust.
Finding a reliable, trustworthy person to watch your kids is hard and it’s intimidating, but I promise the work you’re putting into it will be worth it when you get the right person to watch your kids - keep trying my friend. See if your area has a sitter service, where the childcare workers are background checked and the company puts lots of extra resources into ensuring they are hiring safe people to watch your children. For those of you with kiddos that require some extra care or just a neurdivergent diagnosis in general, check into respite care options in your area (you can do that here). There are lots of organizations that understand the need for us parents to have a break, and they provide the means for us to afford childcare for our littles so we can take that break.
Your kids are important, your family is important, but you are important too. This year, I challenge you to prioritize your well-being in the same way that you prioritize it for your family. Whether that is self-care in the form of an epic spa day, or a coffee date with just yourself, time to go the library and quietly read, participating in your favorite hobby again, going to the gym, a date with your spouse. Or maybe it’s more serious - maybe you need to prioritize a doctor’s appointment for yourself, getting that bloodwork done, going to the chiropractor, or seeing that therapist you found. Whatever it is - it’s important enough to be a priority too.
I’m not going to throw a bunch of cliche lines at you about pouring from an empty cup and whatever else because the odds are, you already know that. What I am going to tell you is this - you are not a bad parent for leaving your kids with a friend, family member, or sitter for a few hours. The guilt you feel for taking some time away from your family is not selfish. Prioritize that time this year even just a little more than you have in the past, prioritize self-care and whatever that looks like for you. Just like the other members of your family, you are important and so is your mental and physical health.