To the Special Needs Mom Who Feels Overwhelmed
“Special needs mom” – I bet that one is a title you never thought you’d have, a hat you never thought you would wear.
Motherhood comes with so many hats and we work so hard to wear them all seamlessly, to be the best we can be for our babies. That “special needs” hat though, that one can be particularly tricky to juggle can’t it? It comes with its own set of unique challenges, fears, anxieties, struggles… usually you balance everything so perfectly, but sometimes that one throws you for a loop and it can just feel so heavy, so overwhelming.
You aren’t alone mama. I see how hard you work every day to make sure you’re doing the best you can to give your kiddo a good start. All of time you spend reading about what makes your little one tick just a little differently. The 10 million tabs open on your computer as you go down the research rabbit hole. Trying to figure out the best diets, the best supplements, the best products to use, the best doctors to see. Obsessing over whether or not what you’re doing is helping – are you actually seeing progress in that skill they were struggling with?
Sitting on the phone forever to make an appointment to see one of the handful of specialists you need to see. Shuffling back and forth to a bunch of appointments on the same day or in the same week. Balancing all. of. the. therapies – gosh there are so many. And you know they are helpful, but really, they’re a lot too. You feel SO responsible for the development of your differently abled little human; for their physical development, their mental development, their emotional development. The word “milestones” has a different meaning for us special needs mamas, doesn’t it? All of our friends with typical kids post proudly about their little ones hitting those milestones at the “normal” time, and we celebrate with them but it can be heart breaking sometimes. Maybe even feels kind of like a defeat; taking you down the miserable road of comparison and wondering if and when your baby will do those things. Will you see your baby crawl, will they walk, will they talk, what skills will they have, wondering what you can do to help make them achieve those milestones closer to when their peers do. Don’t get me started on all of the things the doctors and therapists say at all of those appointments you’re shuffling around to. Comparing your baby to “typical” kids, pointing out what they aren’t doing or can’t do instead of celebrating what they are doing, telling you about their “deficits”. Let’s not even talk about how, sometimes, the doctors themselves can be the worst and most overwhelming part of all of this.
All of those things and so many more – you feel exhausted. You have so many questions there aren’t answers for; worries, anxieties, thoughts about the future. Things you go to bed worrying about and wake up with them still on your mind. It’s hard. And maybe you don’t talk about it much because you don’t want people to think you’re complaining, or that you can’t handle it, and you really don’t want their pity, and you especially don’t want their ‘I could never do what you do’ comments. Sometimes you long for things to be a little easier. Maybe you wonder what your life would be like if you had never decided to have a baby, and then you immediately feel SO guilty because of course you love that sweet nugget more than life itself. But sometimes you want a break.
Take the break, mama. You work so hard to prioritize all of the people who depend on you. You see the best doctors you can. You give all of the supplements and vitamins you feel are necessary. You keep them well fed and juggle alllllll of the dietary needs and restrictions. You work selflessly and tirelessly to give your kiddo the very best start you can. But don’t forget about yourself. Your needs are still important, your health still matters, your mental health still matters.
So take this as your reminder, your permission even, to take the break. Go do that thing you’ve always loved to do but haven’t prioritized in a while. Take a nice walk by yourself and jam out to the music you never put on because the tiny dictators in your house require Let It Go radio on Pandora 24/7 (is that one just me?). Treat yourself to that thing you’ve had in your Amazon cart for 6 months now but keep saving for later because you choose to get things for your little person instead. Do what you need to do for you, mama. Fill your cup first. Talk to the people who can empathize with how you feel and can give you a safe space to vent and let it all out.
Give yourself a pat on the back for all of the work you do (seen and unseen) and the sacrifices you make day after day. You never expected to be on this journey and yeah, it is beautiful, but it’s also overwhelming sometimes. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed by it all. Motherhood is a lot on its own, then add special needs parenting on top of that and it’s a whole new circus. But don’t let those feelings of being overwhelmed overshadow the amazing job that you’re doing. Sure, you’re wearing a hat you never expected to wear - but I’m here to remind you that even on your worst days, you’re killing it.