Maternal Mental Health - Societal Norms and My Experience
I believe there is a combination of things that makes postpartum and maternal mental health taboo to talk about. The idea that the “baby blues” are to be expected, dismissive attitudes towards women’s emotions, lack of postpartum support from the medical community, and pervasive toxic positivity — are all unspoken things that work against women, creating an atmosphere that does not allow for expression of emotions and concerns in a way that will validate them.
Throughout a woman’s entire pregnancy, people expect her to be so happy. To just be happy to be pregnant, just be happy to deliver the baby, just be happy baby is here, just be happy to be home with baby — we are expected to just. be. happy. If something causes stress in a woman’s pregnancy, or her delivery and birth experience aren’t what she hoped for (sometimes even traumatic), instead of empathizing and allowing the mother to express her feelings — we tell her to just be happy to have a healthy baby, totally dismissing her emotions and the stress she feels. Then, not only are her emotions, anxieties, and disappointments dismissed but they are explained away under the guise of the “baby blues”. This sends a signal to the mother that what she is feeling is simply due to raging postpartum hormones, she should have expected to feel this way, and she should get over it soon. If what she is experiencing is the baby blues, then yes, she should begin to feel better as she recovers from childbirth, and the feelings won’t linger. The problem is, it’s not always that simple and the numbers we talked about previously show us that the reality is many women don’t simply begin to “just feel better”, and in fact many times those baby blues turn into more complicated postpartum anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive behavior and sometimes psychosis.
Those subtle moments where we dismiss a woman who is struggling with the outcome of a situation creates a fierce breeding ground for self-doubt, guilt, shame, anxiety, and perhaps the most dangerous of all — silence. It sends a signal to the mom who is struggling that her emotions and thoughts and feelings are not valid simply because her baby is here. That toxic positivity sends a signal that she is a bad mother for having those thoughts, for feeling those emotions. It tells her that she is being judged and indicates that she should stop expressing those feelings, so she does. Those subtle indicators, combined with societal pressures on women to be super mom, makes women who already feel stressed and silenced even more alienated. Motherhood is made out to be the highlight of a woman’s life, and we have an unhealthy expectation that women should just deal with their emotions and carry on, for the good of their families, even if it is to the mother’s detriment.
Why doesn’t she just talk to her doctor? In my opinion, there are a number of things that make seeking help from the medical community difficult, starting during pregnancy itself. Mothers are often “rotated” through an entire practice of physicians and care givers for their appointments, sometimes not even seeing the same person more than once, which makes it very hard to establish a “safe person” who the mother may feel comfortable enough with to reveal her anxieties to. After the birth of her baby, mom is given two or three days to recover then sent home and told to make an appointment to follow up with her doctor in six weeks. After mother and baby arrive home, there is often no call or follow up from any of the medical staff to see how the mother is doing. It is expected that if there is a problem, she will find the right person to call. Once the first six weeks have passed, the new mother goes in for her postpartum checkup. She is given a basic depression screening questionnaire which the doctor looks at and briefly discusses; perhaps the mother is given a few resources, offered medication, or told to try and make an appointment with her therapist and then she’s sent on her way with little to no follow up.
Maybe this doesn’t resonate with you, or this hasn’t been your experience; I honestly hope that is the case. While I can’t speak for every woman experiencing a postpartum mental health struggle, I can share my story. My pregnancy with Luke, our postpartum recovery experience, and finally receiving his diagnosis was honestly all a little traumatic for me. Compounded by some other issues we experienced immediately following his birth, the first few months after Luke was born I felt like I was walking in darkness. I cried almost every day, I had separation anxiety from my husband and kids, yet at the same time wanted to just up and run away from it all. My first trip out with the kids to the grocery store by myself left me feeling so overwhelmed, I was standing in the middle of the aisle in front of the bulk section at Sprouts with a bag in my hand, trying to remember what I was supposed to be getting. I felt like I wasn’t there. My head was spinning and my vision blurry, it was hard to breath without hyperventilating and there was so much pressure on my chest, it was like I was being squeezed. I felt out of touch with reality, going between wanting to just scream that I couldn’t do it anymore, or lay down and take a nap right there in the store. There were other moments like that over the course of a few months and it all piled up until one day I called my husband at work crying because it was all I could do to resist the urge to just run away.
A few months ago, I would never have dreamed about sharing this with the world. I feared being judged. I feared being labeled a bad mom. I feared embarrassing my husband and family for the way I was handling things. But now I see how that fear and silence is just contributing to the problem. So, in a move that is unlike my old self — I will not apologize. I will not be silent. I will not sit back and continue to be okay with mothers suffering in agonizing silence, feeling like the next little thing to come along will break them. I will not be silent while women end their lives and leave their families to forever wish someone would have just. spoken. up.
To the moms who are struggling — you are worthy. You are worthy of the family you have. You are worthy of the help you need. You are worthy of life, and of living it to the fullest.
If you are struggling with a postpartum mental health disorder, please seek help. Call your mental health professional, or visit our Resources page to get started on finding a practitioner in your area who is trained to help during the postpartum period.